I have more authenticity and joy now than I did when I was younger. Once, my to-do list was filled with things other people wanted me to do, many of which I didn’t want to do. I grew resentful, first of those who had expectations of me, then of myself for going along, not having time or energy left for myself.
My journal entries from that time are full of references to OPE – Other People’s Expectations. Now, the items on my list are balanced between things that I’m doing for others and things I do for myself, and the things I’m doing for others are things I want to do. I got wiser, and I gained the skill of being able to say no gracefully.
I have the same level of empathy I’ve always had, but my relationship with other people has become more balanced. I still prioritize the things on my to-do list that are for others rather than for myself. In fact, I use this self-knowledge to motivate myself. My concern for others keeps me accountable, but it also allows me to be of service from a place of joy.
Question: What’s been your experience with learning to say no? Share your thoughts in a comment below.
It took a long time for me to learn to say no. Indeed, I am still flunking retirement. Having spent many years in an extraordinarily satisfying career, with focus on work that I still love (improvement in education for homeless children and youth), retirement was never really a goal. Hence I’m just not very good at it. I am proud, however, that I have been able to gradually step away from most of the boards, committees, work groups, task forces, etc, that we’re taking up way too much space on my calendar. While still an advocate and an active participant in the mental health arena, I have gotten much better at saying no to taking on the organizing responsibilities so often involved with such groups. I’m proud to have found the most comfortable level to be involved.
It’s the mark of a good leader not to be indispensable. You can gradually step away, and things go on without you. It’s also quite liberating to have the time to figure out what you love.